As Sick As Your Secrets?

At my recent family reunion, we celebrated two birthdays.

Everyone knows of the plan and it goes like this: It doesn’t look like anything special is in the works, but dessert is hidden, cards are quietly passed along for signing, gifts are stashed.

At one of the recent celebrations, we had begun to sing the birthday song when it was discovered the candle had been forgotten. “You didn’t hear that,” someone joked to the person of honor. Moments later, candle lit and in place, the cacophony of song joined the procession as the “surprise” unfolded.

No one is surprised. But it’s a secret — shhhhh, don’t tell!!!

There’s a saying, “You’re as sick as your secrets.”  But secrets designed for fun are worlds away from secrets that create distress. Many people live with secrets that create isolation, depression or worry. This keeps them stuck in the past, and that undermines the present as well as the future.

Privacy v. Secrecy

In some families the difference between privacy and secrecy gets lost. This is often tougher for my single-parent clients –  but I’ve also seen it in families where parents build walls between each other and children become go-betweens.

For instance, the kids don’t need to know the details about their parents’ financial circumstances, sexual lives and personal issues. Of course, they’ll know there are challenges — you can’t protect them from life. But they don’t need to hear from you about how you feel about the boss and the worries you have about this or that. The shoulders of children, even teens, are just too small to lean on.

In single-parent situations, dating is tricky because stability is optimal for kids. I’ve seen so much needless pain when relationships don’t work out, and clients learn first-hand how hard the revolving door is on their kids, however unintended. It’s possible to enjoy dating as your own private life — when your kids are with the other parent, at activities or sleepovers with friends. When a relationship really is the one, your new partner will agree, and plan with you on the best timing for introductions down the road.

Sovereignty

Each of us has a need for sovereignty:  The right to have a diary that no one else will read, to lock the bathroom door, to have personal space for our own thoughts, even if it’s just a bed, a drawer or a period of time that is for ourselves alone.

For instance, unless a teen’s behavior has really gone awry, there’s no need to pry. Don’t expect your teenagers to tell you everything. If you’ve consistently nurtured respect over the previous decade, trust that your teen will come to you when it’s really important.

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Counseling can help if your kids seem preoccupied or are isolating themselves — or if you yourself have been carrying secrets about something seen or experienced in your life. Getting unstuck about the past relieves a lot of burden. It’s all about creating the possibility of a different future, where privacy is respected and secrets can be all in good fun.