Change Starts at the End

By Michael Anne Conley, MFT

June sure is a time for big changes.

Is your family thrilled to be celebrating a graduation?

Are you ready to shift your pace as the busy last month of school, with field trips and finals, turns your thoughts toward summer plans? Or is a wedding in the offing?

In June, especially, it’s good to consider how you navigate the small transitions of ordinary life. They are but opportunities to prepare for those once in a lifetime alterations that we all face at one time or another.

Change starts with an ending. That’s because before something new can begin, there’s a phase of saying goodbye to what is passing away and then another stage of preparation before your new steps emerge.

What is Ending For You?

Most of the time, people come to my office because something is over or heading that way. Whether it involves a job, relationship, a project, geographic move or behavior – even though the longing is for something new – nothing new can really be sustained until there’s a goodbye.

Graduation, for instance, signals the ending of a phase in life. I’m thinking of the young people I know who are chomping at the bit to put high school in their past. Some of them are nervous and some enthusiastic, but they’re all ready to be done with this stage. If you’ve been there, you remember it.

I know a young man who is very ready. This is a big change – not just for him, but for his parents, who are dear friends of mine. As their son ends this phase, my friends undergo their own changes. They recollect the past, from the unfolding of her pregnancy, their son’s birth and all those years of childhood and adolescence, filled with challenge and accomplishment. Perhaps you’ve been there, too.

What Happens Next?

You would think that once an ending has occurred we could just get on with it. But Moses and the Buddha would disagree. After an ending, incubation occurs before a fresh start.

I forget who first framed the story of Moses in new light for me, but have appreciated the perspective ever since. Why, actually, did the people spend 40 years wandering in the desert when there were more direct routes from Egypt to Canaan? Surely it was not because Moses wouldn’t stop to ask for directions!

Rather, it was because the adults who left Egypt were slaves, with a slavery attitude bound in them. Their children, born into slavery, had not completely developed the stance of a free people. It was only the third generation, the grandchildren who had never been slaves, whose experiences prepared them for self-determination.

When Siddhartha left the protection of his father’s kingdom, he wandered for years as well. By the time he was the Buddha, he had formed the “middle path” as a fundamental concept in Buddhism, based on his own experience.

There is a “promised land” for you, as well, if you can let your endings flow into the middle place of incubation. It may seem that nothing is happening, and if that’s uncomfortable, it’s only because it’s unfamiliar. You don’t have to let this stop you.

What is Empty, Fills

Once you’ve cleared the decks by navigating the struggle of ending and accepting any uncertainty that follows, the new will come. Respect this.

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If you’re challenged by an ending, stuck in the anxious middle or unsteady in your footing on new ground, you don’t have to deal with this alone. Counseling can help you complete what’s over, prepare for next steps and build your new foundation.