Family Habits: When Your Teen Pushes Back

If I had my child to raise all over again, I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later. I’d finger-paint more, and point the finger less. I would do less correcting and more connecting. I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes. I’d take more hikes and fly more kites. I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play. I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars. I’d do more hugging and less tugging.

~ Diane Loomans, from “If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again”

Each family’s life cycle includes developmental stages, and during those transitions, the habits that families have gotten used to break down.  The teenage years can be particularly challenging — but how much differs from family to family.  The ability of parents to provide steady containment while adapting to their teens growth cycle is key.

During the last month, several related questions about parenting teens came, so let’s explore the “pushback” you might experience from your teen, whether it shows up as open opposition, subtle non-compliance or a little bit of both.

One reader describes how the family dynamic has changed with teenagers in the house. “My older son is 17 and he would rather be with his friends than spend time with the family. It’s like we’re a bed-and-breakfast. He’s here to sleep and eat and we don’t exist at all!”

Another writes, “I notice some parents who have a lot of rules. The kids are the nicest girls I know, but they sneak around. Instead of following the rules, the kids find ways around them.”

A third parent notes, “My 16-year-old daughter can be pleasant and delightful one day, and rude and rejecting the next. I never know if a simple question is going to be answered in a friendly way – or ignored altogether. My husband says I should leave her alone, but that’s hard to do.”

All of these behaviors are common – and they could be good signs!

As a parent, your primary task during this stage in your children’s lives is to support them in their primary task: self-definition. They will do this whether you like it or not — so it calls for a shift in authority from Boss to Respected Guide.

Parenting styles fall into three camps: Authoritarian, permissive and authoritative.

Authoritarian parents lay down rules, expect children to follow them and punish wrongdoing. Younger kids go along with this by keeping their developing opinions to themselves, but in adolescence, they confront. Former President Bill Clinton’s story is classic. He tolerated his stepfather’s alcoholism and abuse of his mother and younger brother until the age of 14 – when he literally stood up to him and said, “If you want them, you’ll have to go through me.” This stopped the abuse.

Permissive parents don’t set rules or follow through. When kids begin the normal phase of self-definition as teens, they either demand that you take charge or they give up, telling you nothing. “Why don’t you just make me do my homework,” one young man recently told his parent. Another has a parent who doesn’t know about the award she received for her volunteer work. “She wouldn’t care anyway,” she told me.

Authoritative parents know the score. They set rules and apply them consistently. They use reward systems instead of punishment, encouraging kids to discover the natural consequences for not following rules. They are the final decision-makers, but their kids also know it’s safe to express what they want. Because they count on their parents as guides, they don’t need to sneak around. (Well, that’s not exactly true — all teens do some things that they never tell their parents, but teens with authoritative parents feel safer and will speak up when it’s really important because they trust their parents’ guidance).

In 1939, Psychologist C.G. Jung offered a clue when he wrote in Integration of the Personality, “If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.”

All teens want engagement from responsive adults. Expect some pushback from your teens. They’re just figuring out who they are and where they stand. But if you’re facing a lot of conflict, get support to change your parenting style.

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I’ve been supporting people in transforming old habits into new behaviors for almost 30 years.  If you’ve hit a wall in your situation, my mentorship program can help. Contact me at info@habitsintohealth.com to apply for a complementary strategy session.