Stuck When They Don’t Change?

“What did you do today?” – Rita to Phil

“Oh, same ole, same ole.” – Phil to Rita

— Groundhog Day (1993)

By Michael Anne Conley, LMFT

We all have habits, right?

Like, do you brush your teeth in the morning before you wash your face or the other way around?

Every human develops sets of behaviors so we can function on routine level. If we didn’t, we’d have to learn how to eat and talk, dress and walk over and over — every single day. It would be the “same ole, same ole,” as Phil, the character played by Bill Murray, says to Andie McDowell’s character Rita in one of his many Groundhog Days.

We call these behavior sets “habits,” and everyone’s got them. Most of the time we don’t pay them any mind. Who cares whether you brush your teeth first or not?

But many people develop habits that create problems – not just for themselves, but also for others.

What do you do if someone else’s habitual behavior is creating problems in your life– and in theirs as well?

In some cases you probably just bite your tongue and smile. Or you limit the amount of time you spend with them.

This can work with acquaintances, friends and the clerk at the grocery store. But what if it’s a close family member, your spouse or your child, even your child who is an adult? Well, then it can feel pretty near impossible.

The hardest thing that my clients report is that the other person’s behavior is so obvious and problematic. Maybe they’re angry and yell a lot. Or they leave their clothes on the floor no matter how many times you ask them to pick up after themselves. They might drink themselves to sleep more nights than not. They don’t keep their agreements. They might eat foods that are unhealthy for them or watch too much television. Perhaps you don’t see them as much as you’d like, because they spend too many nights at the office – or too many nights out with their friends instead of home with you. Maybe their friends are an unhealthy influence.

The question of how to handle these situations is tricky, but focusing on yourself is worth considering. Here’s why:

1. Consider your filter. It’s so much easier to see the end of someone else’s nose than our own. We all filter our perceptions through our own beliefs and values. If you believe in being on time, you’re more likely to expect other people to do the same — and when they don’t, it may bother you more because of your own standards and expectations. Although you may be right, it’s also possible that your way of handling things creates problems, too.

2. Change yourself. What I often hear in my office is “Why am I the one who has to change!” Sometimes it’s the teenager saying this about a parent. And sometimes it’s the alcoholic complaining about the spouse. But just as often, it’s the parent talking about their teen or the spouse who’s in blame about the alcoholic. If you’re caught in the blame game about other people’s behavior, it’s hard to face that working with yourself is a more effective way to go. That’s because, like it or not, you can’t change anyone else but yourself. This does not feel comfortable, I know.

3. Ask for help. If someone else’s behavior is creating problems for you, it’s possible to turn this around, but you may be too close to the situation to see a way out. A professional can help you get perspective and create a plan for action. Someone else’s habits don’t have to keep you in the same ole, same ole!

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If you’re ready to transform an old habit into new behavior, get started by requesting a free self-assessment questionnaire on the home page here.